“Been there, done that.”

September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011



Fought so hard for his life.
The way he breathe, it took him so much strength.
His heartbeat was beating so fast even though he was resting.
For his heart couldn't function like normal human being.
Occasionally he opened his eyes, but not for long.
He would still move slightly, but when you held his hand, he couln't hold back.
I wanted him to wake up and said: It's all just an act.
But I know it will not happen the way I want to.
I witnessed his last breath, and there he went, away to somewhere I believe that he will be a healthy and happy man again.
Yes, my dearest Dad passed away 3 weeks ago on 6 April 2011, just 2 days after his birthday.

I miss him, I miss my Dad so dearly.
I couldn't help but to feel bad, awfully bad.
He always said he want to go to Zoo and Night Safari for it had been long since he last visited this two places.
I told him, I will bring him someday.
But I didn't get the chance.
When he was in the hospital, he said: 等我好了,我们去坐 cruise.
But no, he didn't recover >: and we didn't take it together.

I've got my driving license, but I've yet to drive him around.
I've gradautated from my tertiary studies, but he couldn't attend my graduation ceremony.
There are so many things I've yet to do with him. And now I don't have a chance to do so anymore.
I gave him a hug, but I didn't receive it back fo he didn't have to strength.
I really wanted to get a hug from him, I want to feel it! >:
Life doesn't give us second chance.
I remembered I help his hand tightly during his last hospital stay, he held back tightly.
I could feel his fear through it. :/

So hard to not think too much, so hard. Almost near impossible to ask me not to think too much.
Been wiping for the past 3 weeks.
Whenever I think about him, looking at his pictures, thinking of how much he struggled when he was here, tears would automatically well up in my eyes.
Just like today, when I was walking to the supermarket nearest to my house, I thought of him.
He was already ill then, but he went out to get groceries, the weight of those was pretty heavy.
Although the walk is short, but he had to take a lot of strength to walk a few steps.
For every few steps he took, it would leave him slightly breatheless; he was physically weak.
When he reached home, I opened the door, I saw those groceries and his face; the tired look, yet he smiled.
I almost broke down crying.
He wanted to live so badly, he wanted to feel like a normal capable human being.
It was really a huge impact when mom told him that he only had 3 months left.
It wasn't even 3 months, it was just a mere week.
Just 1 week, his conditions deteriorated so fast that no one was prepared for anything.
I wasn't prepare to let him go, even when he was in the coffin, I still couldn't believe that he was in there.

But it all had happened. What can I do?
Still feeling very upset over it. But I know I will be fine, soon, pretty soon I hope.
Time will heal the wound; the heartache.
Been keeping myself slightly busy by doing cross stitching. It really kills loads of time.

♥♥♥ Dad, you'll always be close to my heart. You'll always be there on my mind in whatever I do.
I miss you dearly.
Rest in peace Dad.
I love you.


Just within a short span of 1 year.
Cough, diagnosed, in & out of hospital, drugs, getting weaker, puking, breathless, and now being at home resting in peace.
Only a handful of people knows about this.

His condition worsened on Tuesday, and that was when my mom decided to send him to the hospital.
He didn't dare to sleep since he got admitted. Almost 6 days of not able to sleep soundly.
He kept telling my mom, 我要回家看我的家。

When we were at the hospital yesterday, he was struggling.
Breathless, perspiring, anxious, afraid to close his eyes.
And we decided that it's time to bring him home, on his birthday, 4 April.
Yes, he turned 50 ytd.
When we told him: 爸爸我们已经到家了。
That's when he become half unconscious.
He kept his eyes closed, only when we speak loud enough beside his ear, he would open it for a few secs.
He still can hear us and knows that we are talking to him.
Just that he doesnt have to strength to move anymore.

We sang birthday songs to him, loud enough.
He had his eyes opened throughout the entire songs.
We could see that he struggled to keep them opened.
But that's when we knew that he knew we were singing birthday songs to him.

My super hero Dad came a long far from battling with Kidney Cancer.
When I first know about it, I was devastated.
I didn't want to accept the truth. But sadly, the truth was there.
He didn't want to accept it either.
And it hurts to see him cried when doctor said the tumor was growing, spreading to his lungs and other organ parts.
He took a lot of pills, chemo drugs to help slow down / control the grow of his tumor.
And each time he went for a scan, it actually produced good results.
And he had the mentality that he would recover someday.
But little did we know, his conditions didn't get better, it somewhat worsened.
Doc told us on Wed/Thursday that Dad was left with 3 months max to live on.
Mom told him and he couldn't accept the fact that he was left with a few months.
He said: 为什么不会好。and he cried.
It was so sad to hear and see him breaking down like that.
I know he can't bear to leave my mom, sister and I behind.

And just ytd, 4April, doc said his conditions are getting worst; told us to be mentally prepared.
Maybe days, or short wks.
I cried and cried, cos I really don't want Dad to leave us.
But mom told me, dad is suffering inside, sometime it's best to let him go.
I consoled myself, dad had suffered enough throughout this 1 yr; suffered too much for us and himself.
Gotta let him go to prevent more suffering to him.

I told Dad, we will take care of ourselves. I will take care of mom and sis.
He doesn't have to worry about us and he had to let us go too.
So hard for me to say these out. But I know I had to assure him.

Seeing him coming a long way, having the strong will to live on.
Gives me the determination that I should not give up on things I do easily.
Regretted so many things in live that I've not done with Dad.
Didn't get to spend enough time with him before all these happened.
Since young till now, we wanted to take cruise but we didn't had the chance to do so.
For he was busy with working and we were busy with school / friends.
Earlier last wk, he told me: when I get better, we shall all take cruise together.
I'm sorry Dad, sorry for not able to cure you.
Sorry for not able to take away your suffereing.
Sorry for being your worry.
Sorry for making you cry.
Sorry for not spending enough time with you when you were healthier.
Sorry for only realising how important you are to me in my life when all these had happened.
Sorry for not sitting beside you on the sofa and talking to you like my dearest friend.
Sorry for not being able to take care of you when I grow up and am capable of doing so.
Sorry that you can't see me getting married.
Sorry for not hugging you when you were down and upset.
Sorry for not having the chance to go on a cruise with the enitre family.
I'm so apologetic. I can't say all this to you Dad for I know you'll worry even more.

I'll keep you close to my heart. I know you will look after us when you are in heaven.
Rest well Dad. Don't worry about us. We will take god care of each other.
I'll be the best daughter you can even dream of having.
I'll be good.

My Dad is still surviving. Resting on his bed. But his breathing is getting weaker.
He just can't let go of us just yet. But we know, it's soon. Just had to be mentally prepared.
Praying for him.

And people, please please please do cherish and honour your parents.
They are very important to you. And so are you to them.
Whatever you want to say to them, say it.
If you want to hug them, although you had never done so, just hug them.
Receiving it back would definitely feel good.
Where ever you want to bring them to, just bring them.
Time will never wait for people, time never wait for anything, it had always been this way.

Dad, I will love you forever and ever.
& I hope you know this. ♥♥♥