“Been there, done that.”

September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011

:) Excited much.
Am flying to Phuket this coming Tuesday and will be back on Friday!
And the following week, I'll be going to Genting.
Fun fun fun.
Gonna enjoy a tad more just before everybody starts getting busy with army, work and school.

I lost my Dad due to renal cell carcinoma (RCC) also know as kidney cancer in April 2011.

It was a tough battle. I’ve seen him through it. All the things he went through, it wasn’t pretty.

I still remember the very day when my mom told me that Dad was diagnosed with cancer; I was just sitting on the sofa with my Mom on my left and Dad on my right. Out of the sudden, my mom broke the depressing news to me. I don’t know how to react or what to do. I went to my room, sat down and that string of words kept running through my mind. I was stoned. The next thing I did was to go into the bathroom and broke down. I cried and cried. I was afraid.

During the early stage of the disease, my Dad would cough every time and it would worsen at night. We thought it was just a normal cough but my mom sensed something wasn’t right as my dad would recover from cough within a few days yet this cough had been there for a long time. He went to see the doctor a couple of times and realised that the medicine didn’t help at all. So the doctor decided to do an X-Ray of his lungs. And so, that was when everything took a drastic change.

Doctor gave him 1 year. They said he couldn’t undergo any operation to remove the tumour for it was huge and it already spread to other organs (started from the kidney and then to the lung [which explain why he was coughing this much] and slowly to the brain); he was diagnosed with stage 4 RCC when we first knew about his diagnosis. We (me, mom, dad and my aunt) were in the room when the doctor broke the news to us. All of us broke down, even my Dad. Yes, my Dad cried L

Slowly, Dad lost his appetite and lost weight so fast. It hurt me so much to see my Dad’s health deteriorating at such rapid speed. He was a typical man, healthy, and rarely falls sick. We didn’t see this coming.

Since Dad can’t undergo any operations, the doctor prescribed him an oral drug which was supposed to stop the growth of the tumour and/or shrink the tumour. When he started taking the drug, his hair started to fall off and he was puking almost every single day. Then slowly, he became weaker, and red spots were appearing on his skin. Since the cough was giving him trouble to sleep, he was also given morphine which enables him to fall a sleep easily.

Couple of hospital trips made; and every time Dad would refuse to go and my mom had to persuade him to go. And he would keep telling us that he want to go home badly. I wish I could bring him home, but most of the time, his conditions weren’t stable and so, he had to stay for a couple of days more.

For the very last hospital stay, the saddest stay ever.

He couldn’t sleep for the entire night for he was breathless. Even when he was sitting up, he found it hard to breathe. He really didn’t want to be admitted to the hospital but my mom persuaded him to go. So mom called for the ambulance, when my dad was on the stretcher and was about to leave the house, he told mom: “I don’t know when I will come back to this house.”

Doctor was saying that my Dad was in a critical condition and that he needs to breathe with an oxygen mask. Without it, he would be breathless, really breathless. Tube was coming out from his lung to get rid of the water in it. During the stay, his condition didn’t improve. He became weaker each day, couldn’t write and slowly couldn’t pee and he had to have a tube poke into his bladder to drain it. He started losing his concentration and didn’t respond well to us when we’re talking to him.

On his birthday, his condition deteriorated rapidly. He was breathing so fast and started to sweat profusely. Doctor increased the amount of morphine to stabilise his condition and then slowly, he went into a sub-conscious stage. I wanted to take pictures with him on his special day, his 50^th birthday. But I didn’t manage to as it all happened too fast. He didn’t get to read the birthday card I wrote for him. If only I had passed it to him 2 hrs earlier.

He was in such a critical that we decided that we really have to bring him home since it was what he wanted. And I believed I’ve blog about this part in one of my previous post.

Been 2 months plus, trying to cope with my emotions and memories. Didn’t know it would be this tough to get through all this. But I have to break through and be happy. Happiness is a choice. I can’t be sad all the time, I gotta chose to do things that will make me happy. I’m accountable for my own happiness. If I myself can’t be truly happy, I doubt I can make others happy too & I believe Dad won’t want to see me in such state of sadness.

Dad, though you can’t be physically anymore, I just want to let you know that you are the bestest Dad I’ve ever known. You’ve given the family a lot of your time and effort and I am very very thankful for that. I thank God for you. 20 short years spent with you, and yes, I wish I could ask for more. If fate permits, we shall be a family again. We have to, ok? J

Happy Father’s Day. I love you a gazillion times.

Am always telling myself to break free from the emotions.Break free from those breakdowns.Telling myself yeah, time will heal this wound.But you know what? It's not working.Although I may look strong and tough, always laughing, giggling and talking craps, it still very much hurt me deep inside.Whenever I think about Dad, I would cry no matter where I am.Every single night I will think about him, and yes, I would cry 99% of the time.Those flash backs. Those times when he was at the hospital, those times when he said he wanna go home very badly.Those times when he was afraid to sleep.Those times when he would gasp for air forcefully.Those times when he cried saying why he won't recover.Those times when he held my hand so tightly.I wasn't prepared for things to change so fast.I thought my life was great.A complete family, my parents rarely quarreled or rather, I've never seen them shouting or scolding each other before.But things took a drastic change.Within a short span of a year, diagnosis was made and my dad was gone.I can't believe it and I don't want to believe what happened. But I can't, cos it already did.I can't believe it was the last CNY I had with him. His last birthday celebration.I remembered I want to take a picture on his birthday. But things went downhill so fast that I didn't have the time:(I should have pass him the birthday card a few hrs earlier but I didn't. He didn't get to see the card himself. But I hope he heard what was it inside as my aunt read it to him.I miss you so so extremely much Dad. I'll study hard and make you proud no matter what. Always my number 1!Father's Day is coming. Wish I could celebrate it with him. Everybody, give your Dad a hug and say I love you to him. It'll definitely mean the world to him.